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AlexTee
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Indoor Soccer Review

Mon Nov 30, 2015 3:40 am

I'm not sure if anyone here would be interested. But I write a weekly review, which chronicles the farcical adventures of my very unsuccessful indoor soccer team (this season we are currently yet to win a game).

The reviews have a small cult following among my mates, our friends and some random people who receive the emails.

I thought they may generate a few chuckles on here so if anyone finds them funny let me know and I will keep posting them.

Warning - they may contain racist, sexist and immature content. This is not meant to be offensive to anyone so if anyone if offended by anything - I apologise in advance. And if anything is against the forum rules I understand if it is removed.

User avatar
AlexTee
Nickel Bitcoiner
Nickel Bitcoiner
Posts: 24
Joined: Mon Oct 26, 2015 5:21 am

Donate BTC of your choice to 1EWQKeX3pKPs2o9LY39W57T93zb8sUxBHE

Re: Indoor Soccer Review

Mon Nov 30, 2015 4:13 am

ITS SPRAINING MEN FC 2 vs. Asia United 5 (featuring one non-Asian guy)

It was a hard fought loss for our valiant heroes yesterday as we succumbed to a team of mini Monkey Magic look-a-likes. Things started poorly and got steadily worse all night, until we ended up at cafe de Villi's - drowning our sorrows in a strange combination of potato pie, gravy and Flavoured Milks. However no amount of egg-nog type beverages could mask the glaring problems that were exposed yesterday.

Pre game

We got there early - keen for another season of indoor soccer but things were immediately thrown into disarray because the usual pitch had been closed for fumigation, extermination and steam cleaning. Management told us we would have to play on one of the basketball courts which they claimed would be of acceptable quality but our team (of stubborn, middle aged, overweight Greek men) refused to buy any of the lies, we believed, they were selling. Yianni stating several dozen times, "I don't like this" before he had even set foot on the new pitch was not a good sign.

Big Alex (who is apparently going to play in goals this season) was very moist and sweaty and seemed overly concerned by the lack air conditioning in the new surrounds while Pont showed his disappointment in a strange protest which consisted of kicking soccer balls at 100% power all over the place - attempting to break the fans, basketball rings (and any other equipment fixed to the walls) and hence force the game back onto the familiar Pitch no. 1.

At this stage George resorted to intimidation tactics removing his shirt in a show of pure manliness, much like a Silver-back gorilla. This was designed to scare the bejeezus out of the tiny Asians on the other side of the court! Surely they had never seen a man of his width and breadth before, George's body would contain more molecules than all of them combined and to them he would have looked like a refrigerator with a head on top. We are not sure if the intimidation worked or not but a few of our opponents did seem to suffer eye damage when looking in Georges direction - with the whiteness and brightness of Georges untanned body similar to the colours you will witness when staring directly at the sun.

Things lurched into an even darker place when the happy bloke claiming to be a referee (Remo) told Jimmy "slippy shoes" Marg he was unable to play due his molesting of some bloke in the corner last week and having to serve a red card ban. James resorted to skills which saw him win the Oxford-Cambridge debating award in 2012-2013 with such solid arguments as "come on let me play" - "seriously" and "don't worry about it Remo". And just then, when it seemed we had recovered from all this...........out came the bibs. All our hard work, in organising the best indoor soccer uniforms South Australia had ever seen were to be hidden underneath sweaty, used, purple netball bibs (Because Asia FC were wearing similar colours). I think this was the turning point because you could tell our spirits were dashed, Yianni was struggling to keep it together (as our fashion co-ordinator), Pont didn't like it, George looked uncomfortable in the extra small bibs and I wanted was unhappy to be wing defence.

The game

When the game started Little Alex and Yianni both wanted to sit on the bench - never a good sign when your players don't even want to go onto the pitch. It started slowly and didn't go anywhere from there. The chinamen were able to string 5 passes in a row (3 more than we could) and even though they had no skill, couldn't dribble, shoot or control the ball, they were happy to defend and run (which gave them a huge advantage over us). They were buzzing around and created a few lucky goals, with Big Alex's legs wide-open like those of a groupey at a Motley Crew after party - the Oriental's were happy to slide the ball in there without any lube and go into the break a few goals ahead 3-1.

At half time the bickering began, Big Alex wanted help in defence, James offered to help - if only Alex would ask, James was pointing fingers and hurling abuse at us with Kelidis's defensive fragility taking the brunt of James angst. Pont said we were playing crap because we are getting old, I was breathing so hard an ambulance was being considered and (as usual) big George was sitting politely. It was agreed we would 1. Defend and 2. Smash them in the second half. It sounded good - but like so many ideas that come out of Greek brains they worked very well in theory but failed miserably in practice.

The second half was more of the same, Alex and James arguing about which way was left and right, Little Alex focusing on nutmegs and trying to pass when confronted with an open goal. George went beast-mode and was posting up like Shaquille O'neill in his heyday - obviously forgetting we were playing soccer. While Yianni managed to miss from 20cm out directly in-front, he later claimed, "I'm not sure if it went over the goals or wide but it probably went high and wide man". One other attempt he had (at an open goal) managed to knock a fire extinguisher off of the side wall. Pont was jockeying them so wide they had to shoot on angles tighter than a fish's ass - in a great 2nd half defensive effort!. Big Alex lifted and had a great second half but we just didn't take our chances and capitalise on his good work. At one stage Yianni looked like a moth to a flame the way he gravitated towards their goals letting them get free over the back. We had 2 chances towards the end which would have made it 4-4 - but it was not to be.

Villis

After the game we went to Café de Villis where the Donuts were not fresh. So overall a terrible night but as they say - there is always next week

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